A 10 Step Program You're in a rut, a slump, a deep dark trench with no visible way out. Your gifts are no good, you've boycotted weddings and birthdays because you have no desire to purchase a gift, and you're already planning your holiday season getaway plan. When it comes to gift giving, my friend, you have a problem. Fear not. Follow this ten step program and begin the road to recovery. Watch as you emerge from your social cocoon and relish in your friends' admiration. Learn to enjoy giving gifts, and reap the rewards through strengthened relationships.

Step 1: Give gifts because you want to, not because you are obligated to do so. When you think of gift giving as a necessity, it automatically becomes an undesirable chore. Remind yourself that giving gifts is optional. Nothing requires you to do so. While society may have ingrained this thought in your mind, it's like leaving a tip for a waiter - if nothing merits a gift, then you have no obligation to give one.

Step 2: Take notes. Unless you were blessed with an incredible memory, keep notes throughout the year on appropriate gifts for people. If someone mentions a book that they've been dying to read, write it down. If a client made a comment about his favorite dessert, jot it down while it's fresh on your mind. When it comes time to give a gift, you'll appreciate having this information on hand, as it will make your gift search much easier when it comes time to selecting an appropriate gift.

Step 3: Celebrate the little things. Surprise people with an unexpected gift. These days, our mailboxes are bombarded with bills and junk mail, and there's nothing more pleasant than getting a small package without reason. Don't simply give gifts for standard occasions (birthdays, weddings, holidays); celebrate events that would otherwise go unnoticed. Share a friend's excitement over a new car by mixing her a CD with songs for the road. Congratulate a client on a promotion with a bottle of champagne. Such small gestures can have an enormous impact on a relationship, showing that you take notice of things that are important to other people with no expectation of reciprocity.

Step 4: Express yourself, your recipient, and your relationship. Remember, this is your one shot to give a gift to this person, on this date, for this occasion, so make it count. Don't waste this opportunity with something generic like a tie or bath products or a gift certificate. They're overdone, and appear much less thoughtful than a gift that is geared specifically toward the particular event. Write down all of the characteristics of the recipient, of your relationship with them, and of the occasion, and begin to look for links to gifts. For example, in Personality Match, I explain how I linked the warm, inviting personality of my friend to a unique set of tea bags and ceramic teacups. Gift giving is an art form, so embrace the opportunity to add in elements of your own personality as well. Incorporate your sense of humor or sentimental side, show off your photography skills, or share your love of writing. If you're giving gifts on behalf of an organization, incorporate the group's brand into your gifts. Define a way to make your gifts stand out and represent both sides of the relationship.

Step 5: Give something they would never buy themselves. There is nothing more satisfying than receiving a gift of pure luxury, excess, and indulgence. If you know someone loves the theater but tends to buy tickets in the back corner, allow them to enjoy a show while seated front and center. While certain circumstances may require you to give a necessity, spice it up with something fun. For example, when I first moved into my townhouse, my mom bought me (at my request) an Oreck vacuum cleaner. While I needed it, it wasn't a gift that I really wanted, but because she added in all sorts of fun scented carpet fresheners, I was actually excited about vacuuming...which I never thought possible.

Step 6: Keep the audience in mind. While you want a gift to be personal, think of the circumstances in which the gift will be given. This applies to both the recipient (ie, don't give a Christmas ornament to a Jewish man in July) and those who will be witnessing the opening of the gift (don't give sexy lingerie to a woman when her parents are present).

Step 7: Present your gift well. Like anything in life, presentation can make or break your gift. Handing a Waterford crystal bowl over in a Wal-Mart bag doesn't have the same effect as when it's wrapped in beautiful paper, tied with coordinating ribbon, and topped with a beaded gift topper. Everything from the gift to the filler to the wrapping has significant impact on how your gift is perceived, so take the extra effort to make your gift look as beautiful as the sentiment that it represents.

Step 8: Include a handwritten note. No gift is complete without a handwritten note attached. You can write it on the back of a gift card, on a notecard, or if you have a lot to say, write it on some nice stationery, available online and at your local stationery store. Of course, exceptions can be made for gifts purchased via internet, but even in these circumstances you should type in a message to be included with the gift. Just be sure to write something personal, and more than the standard, "Happy birthday!" or "With love,..." Invest the time to write something special.

Step 9: Send your gifts on time. No matter how amazing your gift is, if it is received months after the fact, it tends to lose its purpose. By planning ahead, you can avoid this last minute rush. First, consolidate all of your recurring events into a single calendar. I choose to use a Palm Treo 650 so that I don't have to re-enter the data ever year, but use whatever system you're most comfortable with. Then set aside one day per month to review the events of the upcoming month, and use this time to purchase, wrap and write notes. I also highly recommend creating a gift closet to take care of those moments when time truly gets the best of you. Here you can keep an emergency stock of gifts to give, along with extra wrapping supplies and cards.

Step 10: Look for inspiration everywhere. Gift giving is a form of art that is constantly being refined, and as you master these basic skills, refine your art by scouring the world for unique ways to make your gifts even more personal. Keep it in the back of your mind when searching through magazines, traveling, or wandering through a favorite store. You'll be amazed at the ideas that you generate when you least expect it. Take note of gifts that you appreciate, and think about what made that gift special. Inspiration is all around you; the key is training your mind to look at everything as a potential idea. Congratulations! You are on your way to a lifetime of success, with adoring friends and loyal business relationships. Repeat after me: "My name is [insert your name here] and I am a joyful gift giver.

For many cultures, the end of the year is a time to give gifts. Have you ever wondered how to select gifts that have an ongoing positive impact? Do you have people on your list who say “No more stuff, please?” Are there others who are hard to please? Have you been giving gifts to someone so long that it is hard to think of anything?

We can get new ideas from pathways to happiness identified in positive psychology: The Pleasant Life — savoring and basking, The Engaged Life — intense involvement in worthwhile activities, and The Meaningful Life — living in service of something larger than ourselves.

For the Pleasant Life: Pleasure gifts are great, but sadly, people habituate to present pleasure. So think about helping others relive past pleasure, experience current pleasure more intensely, or anticipate future pleasure. Some people get more pleasure out of remembering, others more out of anticipating. Keep this in mind as you think about these ideas:

For pleasure in anticipation:

• Give tickets to a concert or play. Maybe buy yourself a ticket and go along for the shared experience.
• Promise to go visit a distant friend or relative later in the year.
• Give a promise for a rarely enjoyed pleasure such as dinner in a topnotch restaurant.
• Give a child a treasure chest of coupons redeemable for activities with you. For example, give coupons for a monopoly game or a trip to a ball game or even 24 hours of your time to be used all at once or spread over the next year.

For pleasure in the moment:

• Give gifts that require attention to sensory input. I remember a wine tasting kit that helped us pinpoint different aspects of taste.
• Collect feedback on the gifts you give and use that to help the person explore a range of tastes. My husband gives me chocolate and asks for my opinions of each variety. Over time, he has built up an extensive picture of what I like.

For pleasure in remembering:

• Construct a scrapbook with pictures and objects that remind the receiver of a trip or special occasion.
• Make a calendar with pictures that capture the family history of the prior year.
• Make a CD that contains scanned copies of family photos.
• Create a book or poster of family geneaology along with pictures and family stories.
• Record concerts or performances given by members of the family and give the recordings.
• Some people have great stories from long and full lives but are not particularly good at or interested in writing. Give the services of a personal biographer to interview and do the writing. I thank Margaret Greenberg for this idea.

For the Engaged Life, give gifts that grow skills, that are challenging but not impossibly so, that give frequent feedback, and that the receiver believes are intrinsically worth doing. It helps if you have to have a good sense of what your person values, but sometimes helping somebody explore something new is a gift in itself.

• Give dance lessons or music lessons. Maybe you could take the lessons together.
• Encourage nature-watching habits. For example, give bird feeders, bluebird houses, or binoculars.
• Give supplies to convert any passive interest in observation into a growing and active interest.
• Give materials and lessons for arts and handcrafts. I remember the pleasure of receiving a brandnew paintbox with a wide assortment of colors.
• Give books that challenge and uplift. This is particularly important for adolescents, who are often assigned very grim and discouraging books at school.
• Give scrapbooking materials and help someone work through photographs to represent his or her personal history.

For the Meaningful Lifewe give gifts that help others live in service of something larger than themselves, whether that be the family or the local community or the world at large.

• Give cooking lessons that include preparing food for the local soup kitchen. For example, teach your children to roast a turkey, and then take it together to the local food kitchen.
• Set up a monthly conference call for your widely dispersed family so you can have a chance to tell and listen to each other’s stories.
• Give someone a trip to visit someone else that they love but have not seen for years.
• Give a gift to a charity of your friend’s choice in his or her honor. It is always fun to give bees or parts of water buffaloes through the Heifer Project.
• Give someone your time working together on a local volunteer project of their choice. Perhaps it will mean going together to the soup kitchen once a month or working together on a Habitat for Humanity project or at the hospital or wherever is close to your friend’s heart.

These are just a few ideas to prime your thinking about gifts that give pleasure through memory or anticipation, that absorb attention, or that help people live in service of something larger than themselves.